Define Burning Out

Early this year, I was hospitalized for the first time in my life. Nothing serious, but then, there is much to say about being in bed all the time with an IV keeping you immobile. Add to that the slight inconvenience of all the tests being run. After all that, I can say, ahhh the needle is a familiar friend.

After being in the hospital, I celebrated my 30th birthday. It was a quiet surprise dinner organized by my closest friends. I did not have anything planned because I was not yet ready to blow money. I've just paid off a large part of medical bills and the meds are to be maintained for a while. I'm lucky to have the friends I have. It was a fun birthday with good food and great company and lots of delicious cake.

In the summer of this year, I quit my job of five years. I didn't have a back-up plan and have not sent out any applications. I just woke up one day and realized, okay now, today I will quit.

Quitting my job has been on my mind anyway for years now. My work has not made me happy for a long time. I felt no sense of fulfillment or pride. I only really stayed because it was comfortable. I was in a high ranking position and although the stress that came with work never really calmed down, it was familiar. It was a daily battle I have gotten used to. It was the Road Runner to my Wile E. Coyote. But I was not happy for a long time. The only happy times were lunch period, when I would make a beeline for the coffee shop downstairs, get my iced latte and get myself absorbed with the latest book that I was reading. I didn't have the appetite to eat lunch when I am at work and I didn't have the drive to hang out with people. Another happy time is 5PM, when I can finally leave the office and head off to the mall or wherever.

The last few months in the office were long and drawn out and repetitively lonesome. Most of my friends have moved on and resigned already. The few that were left behind were always on field work. All the remaining people who were always in the office were either the top honchos or my staff in my department. I didn't want to impose my presence on them even if they were a bunch of great kids. It was a terrible, miserable time. I was waiting for it to end.

So I resigned, took care of my transition to the new team, and ignored all the temptations of staying or withdrawing my resignation. If I had stayed, I would have no respect left for myself and I would never have been able to leave.

Weeks later, I write this blog entry. Still not working full-time. Sometimes I worry, other times I take it all in stride. Nothing will happen with worrying. I will enjoy this mini-vacation God gave me. He might want me to go back working again soon, when I am recharged and ready.

First Entry

I'm not new to blogging. I have had my share of blogs from different sites, three sites to be exact. Those blogs have served me well, they are still up, but have not been updated for a long time. I got too busy with work and didn't have the time. Or sometimes I would think about blogging something and actually doing it would take too long so I wouldn't have the drive to type it up anymore.

The difference between this blog and the others I have had is that none of my friends know about this... yet. For the moment, I would like to keep this to myself and enjoy the anonymity while I can. Where I can write without worrying if it needs to be filtered from someone, or write about whatever I think of or feel without being judged.

This feels as special as my other, previous blogs already. :)